You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
