New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
