Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
