i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
