mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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