Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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