If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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