If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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