how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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