if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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