i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
