i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
