you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
