i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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