I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
