please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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