found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
