the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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