maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
