My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The ass gains better be worth it
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