I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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