I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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