I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
