I just saw a hot homeless man
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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