This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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