He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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