You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
