I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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