I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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