the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
