just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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