Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
