Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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