i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
