I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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