i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
