masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
God I need to hump something, right now.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
