Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
