god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
