last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
