Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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