I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
