Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize