the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
