Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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