My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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