True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
