My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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