the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
