god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
