Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
