apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She made me pour olive oil on her.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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