i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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