i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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