I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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