haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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