6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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