Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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