Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
