Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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