sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
