1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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