I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
