Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
